Prompt: What is a life lesson you feel everyone can learn from?

Inspired by Books of Brilliance

You can’t please everyone. Trying will displease everyone.

I’ve known people who were sensitive and tried very hard not to upset anyone. In doing so, they upset everyone. You’re more likely to be remembered as a nice person if you face the problem honestly and kindly.

Chose wisely whose opinion you value

You’re going to meet a lot of people. Some of them will matter more to your life than others. The obvious ‘opinion that doesn’t matter’ is the shallow popular kids in high school but there’s the toxic friends in your 20s, selfish romantic partners, and a lot of other people who aren’t the best for you.

You can’t change how someone acts; only how you react

You can’t make your flakey friend more reliable. You can’t make your selfish partner better. You can’t make your disapproving parent accept you. The only control is how you react to their behavior.

You decide how you get treated

If someone is not treating you well, you get to walk away. Boss, parent, partner. It doesn’t matter. If you’ve communicated your needs and things don’t improve, you’re allowed to limit or cut contact.

Family is about how you’re treated and valued, not an accident of blood

If you’d expect a stranger off the street to show you more kindness and respect than blood relatives, they ain’t family.

I’ve gotten quite a few judgmental comments for cutting off my mother. ‘You only get one mom.’ ‘What kind of person cuts off their own mother?’

What kind of person leaves their only child no other choice? That response usually shuts them up faster than actual examples of her horribleness.

Get financially literate

In addition to scarring me for life, my mother taught me nothing about money and instilled some bad habits. The younger you get your finances handled, the better off you’ll be.

I learned all of these lessons the hard way over a long period of time. Save yourself some trouble and learn from me. Maybe you’ve been blessed with only good people in your life but eventually, someone who isn’t will show up. Use my wisdom accordingly.

Life Lessons

Life is hard and many important lessons must be learned the hard way. Here are some I’ve learned. Hopefully, you can pass them along and someone can avoid learning them as hard as I did.

Fifth Date Questions

You’ve dated them long enough to think, “This could go somewhere.” Now it’s time to ask the difficult questions. Do you want kids (ever)? How do you feel about guns or recreational marijuana? Colorful sexual past? Don’t avoid them because you’re smitten and think you won’t like the answer. Save everyone heartache and time and ask your deal breaker questions.

If You’re Confused, (S)He’s Not That into You

If someone likes you, you’ll know. If they don’t, you’ll be confused. It really is that simple.

Fight Fair

Disagreements will happen. You will need to learn how to argue. If you fight to win, you’ve already lost. That logic wins the battle but loses the war.

You Can’t Get What You Don’t Ask For

You cannot expect your partner to know what you’re thinking or feeling. They’re not mind readers. Hints are passive-aggressive. No, they should not ‘just know.’ Be direct.

Functional Isn’t Dramatic

Good communication isn’t dramatic. Respect isn’t passionate. Good, functional relationships aren’t the stuff of movies or TV shows because those are boring to watch. The stuff of movies is not sustainable for a long time. How many shows or ‘romantic’ movies hinge on a simple miscommunication?

Life Update

There’s a lot going on right now.

Pregnancy

Five months deep and little man is going strong. He’s moving and I’m noticing. I’m starting to get the bump belly but since I was fat to begin with, it looks different than your typical bump.

We attended a wedding over the weekend and a few family members talked to my belly. I didn’t have the heart to tell them everything above my belly button is my chubby belly + guts baby boy is shoving out of his way. My bra bands are getting snug so yay for extenders. I did a clothing triage recently to see what still fit. A lot of things got packed up or set aside to sell on Poshmark.

We need to figure out a hospital tour, parenting classes, a pediatrician, and a bunch of other stuff. My glucose test is at the end of the month so we’ll see how my sugar is doing. A big part of the test is sitting around afterward so I hope I snap out of my book slump by then.

Home

The hunt was an ordeal and a half but we found a 2 bedroom, 2 bath condo. We close mid-September. Because management at our current place sucks, breaking your lease costs 2 months rent. We can run around like decapitated poultry or straddle both places and take our time moving.

The new place has carpet that needs to go and boring gray walls that can join the carpet. Hubs and I agree we’ll hire professionals but we still need to find those professionals, decide on colors, decide on bamboo versus laminate, etc.

I’m looking into the insurance and Hubs is looking into title stuff. We also need to schedule a handyman to fix some things that were caught in the home inspection.

Family

My poor FIL can’t catch a break. He had a massive stroke before I met Hubs (don’t smoke kids) and left him in not-great health. Around a month ago, he had an infection he couldn’t kick. He goes into the hospital and they find 3 aneurisms (both legs and abdomen). He has surgery to take care of 2 out of 3. The procedure results in a loss of blood flow to one of his kidneys.

FIL is a big guy and still cannot stand on his own so getting him from bed to wheelchair requires a lift. His bad leg gets injured during one of these. While checking it out, they find a blood clot despite him being on blood thinners since the stroke many years ago.

The antibiotics he was on also messed with his digestive system. He now has a highly contagious digestive infection. Hubs and I are banned from visiting to protect baby boy until we get the all clear. Every other visitor must be gowned and gloved.

FIL is at an age and general health where he can only get so much better. I’m worried for how this is going to play out. Occasionally my MIL would say he’s doing better but I never really saw it.

With all of this chaos, I expect my reading life to take a hit. That’s OK. Any one of these things would be a lot but all of them? I’m hoping once things are slightly more settled, I’ll be more motivated to read.

Forgive

I’ve never been a forgiving person. I’ve been taught that you’re supposed to forget they did wrong, let it all go, and carry on as if nothing happened. In my experience, this just means giving the other person a free pass to make the same mistake.

When every second chance turns into a ‘fool me twice,’ you decide it’s not worth it. I decided I would not forgive someone if 1) they weren’t sorry and 2) I knew they were going to do it again.

But then I was asked to think about what forgiveness really meant in general and to me. First stop, the dictionary.

Forgive – To cease to feel resentment against

That’s it. The definition is really that simple. I had to sit with that for a while since this changed some things for me.

Forgiving the crimes of your cheating ex or backstabbing friend doesn’t mean calling them up and saying, “I forgive you.” They are not a necessary part of the process. If you want to keep it between you and yourself, you can!

This was very revelatory for me.

In my previous mindset, I came to believe the only person you owe forgiveness is yourself. We all make mistakes and harboring that guilt and regret serves no good purpose. But forgiveness doesn’t really refer to that. It’s about letting go of resentment.

Harboring resentment is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies. It gives someone valuable real estate they don’t deserve. I’m not awesome at getting rid of it but I know it will never serve or satisfy me.

Based on the dictionary definition, forgiveness can serve you and does nothing for whoever wronged you. Forgiving them means letting go of resentment which feels a lot like forgiving yourself.

The problem comes when people conflate forgiving with absolving.

Absolving – To set free from an obligation or the consequences of guilt

Putting down the poison of resentment doesn’t mean welcoming back the person who gave it to you. Forgiveness serves you; absolution serves them. When someone demands forgiveness, they’re demanding absolution. You never owe someone absolution.

Forgiving someone means you let them stop hurting you for what’s already been done. Absolution means letting them do it again.

I am allowed to forgive someone and want nothing to do with them. I can let go of resentment without letting them back in. I still need to figure out how to apply this and let it all sink in but that’s why I’m paying my therapist. I hope this helps someone in addition to me.

Media Monday if You Don’t Love Love

Relationships and love are complicated and messy. Today I bring you:

My Spotify playlist about how love can suck

Where Should We Begin?
Esther Perel’s podcast about relationships and all their complexity.

Dear Sugar
Formerly an advice column, now (and for several years) a podcast featuring the past two writers, Cheryl Strayed (yes, that one) and Steve Almond.

Shark Week

Me: It's Shark Week!

FHubs: I'm all about the sharks, about the sharks, no fishies.

Chuck E. Cheese

Driving around running errands, I had this exchange with my future husband:

FHubs: Oooh! Chuck E. Cheese

Me: We are not going to Chuck E. Cheese. You are 33.

FHubs: What if I promise to talk to the cops?

112 Weddings

A documentary filmmaker shot over 100 weddings on the side to make stable income. Over time he thought about what happened to some of those couples. Some he couldn’t find, others didn’t want to talk about it, but he found several who were willing to partake in his latest documentary.

It’s a great example of how life will throw unexpected things at you. Children, career changes, health problems. I was glad that many of the couples had found struggle but stayed together like the couple whose daughter had cancer or the woman with depression.

The depressed couple made me so sad because I could really understand how she felt. She didn’t see the good moments or how her daughter loves her or their bond. She saw herself as a burden on both of them. She thinks she’s a bad mother, a bad partner, and a bad person. Where she’s at, her options are keep fighting or lay down and die. I hope that when I have a kid and if/when I get back to that place, I will not lay down and die. Not because I deserve better but because my family does.

I see so much of Boyfriend in her husband. You can see from his body language that he loves her and wants her back. He doesn’t want to go through this life with anyone else and is willing to do what he has to do to get her to a better place. I can only hope that when Boyfriend and I get married and if/when I get The Bell Jar dropped on my head, my marriage will look like that.

Life isn’t always pretty so this is a hard reality of marriage. Another couple who I was glad agreed to be interviewed was the divorced couple. She was so happy to marry him then and many years later, he was so happy to be rid of her now. I think a big part of their split was not just leading separate lives but his ego. He lost weight and had professional success and “was growing and growing” while his wife stayed the same.

Maybe she stayed the same because she was raising the kids. Maybe she was changing and he wasn’t as interested in her life anymore. Her revelation about his infidelity was so powerful. I can appreciate things changing but if you’re unhappy in your marriage or relationship and you say nothing, that’s a choice. If you become unfaithful to your partner, that’s a choice. Once you get beyond the age of youthful stupidity, I have no respect for infidelity. Rather than face the problem and deal with it, he chose to take the coward’s way out. I had a lot of respect for her and very little for him.

I absolutely adored the couple that had a commitment ceremony 13 years prior. They seemed like such fun and interesting people back then. Looking at their life now, middle age and a pair of kids, the legalities of marriage make complete sense. Jointly filing taxes, ICU and ER rights should something happen to their partner, POA should something happen to them mentally, transfer of assets in death. In a situation like that, it’s less about tradition and more about protecting your family. I love how they did a tiny living room wedding as well.

My favorite line from the movie was from the rabbi: “A wedding is a day and it’s easiest day to make happy. You’ve just thrown a ton of money at it. And liquor. I mean, come on. A wedding is easy to make happy. A marriage is hard to make happy because when you throw a ton of money and liquor at it, it often makes things worse.”

I like to think that because I’ve had hard life experiences and relationships and friendships go wrong, I’m more prepared for bad things to happen. I’m likely more prepared than someone who has had an easy life but you never know what life will throw at you. This film did a good job of showing you how unexpected life and love can be without depressing you. Definitely worth a watch.

If Rom Coms Got Real

Everyone gets this warped idea of what love and relationships really look like from pop culture and movies. Here’s what I think some famous romances would look like if they happened in the real world.

Pretty Woman
Erring on the side of optimism, these two get married. However, their class backgrounds start to tear them apart. Vivian beings to feel insecure because Edward reads the New York Times and discusses books reviewed in The New Yorker. Edward begins to resent how little Vivian blends into his world. She doesn’t know this composer from that artist and on several occasions, embarrasses him. Eventually, they engage in a bitter divorce that is the talk of the New York social scene and Vivian is featured on Real Housewives of New York.

Her
Theodore winds up dating a socially awkward computer programmer who worked on creating the OS system. It is his attempt to seek out Samantha again. They live together but never marry. Samantha has given Theodore unrealistic expectations for a relationship so the pair split. Amy marries again to an easy-going man and has one child. Neither has a deep relationship with an AI again. Lots of therapy abounds.

Knocked Up
Ben enjoys living a successful adult life with Allison and their daughter. The two have a long engagement but never seem to marry. Ben drifts further and further away from his friends. Allison, still career driven, enjoys many successes. Allison resents Ben for not doing enough around the house and not being more ambitious. Ben resents her for thinking she’s better than him. Eventually they split, realize they’re better for it since they had little in common, and raise a lovely daughter.

Bridesmaids
With some help from Helen, Annie becomes the assistant pastry chef at a country club. She is well trained and eventually becomes the head pastry chef for that club. Due to Annie’s influence, Helen becomes more honest with her husband and it improves their relationship. Annie and Nathan eventually marry and have a son. Lillian and Doug have three children. Lillian, Annie, and Helen still have biweekly sushi. Megan gets along well with Nathan and is a frequent baby sitter. Rita is the same as she ever was but is fun on the occasional girl’s night out. Becca and her husband open a BDSM club.

How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
Ben and Andie give their relationship a real shot since they have many things in common and she loves his family. They start of with several trust issues since the foundation of their relationship is a complete sham. Because they’re both very career driven, they have several rocky patches but ultimately it works out. They get engaged but never marry. No children.

10 Things I Hate About You
Kat and Patrick date through the rest of the school year and summer but have an amicable break-up when she goes east for school. Kat goes on to found a successful nonprofit and work for NOW. Patrick becomes a semi-famous indie rocker. The two rendezvous in Manhattan to catch up when they’re in their 30s. It’s pleasant. Cameron and Bianca date for the rest of high school. Bianca is less popular but happier for it. They go to separate colleges, have a tear filled break-up, and go on to lead productive lives. Joey’s modeling career flounders and dies while he’s in his early 2os.

The Notebook
Allie and Noah have a lovely summer fling. Allie grows up, moves on, and marries Lon. When she learns that Noah wrote her every day for a year and built her a house, she becomes very creeped out. When Noah visits her begging to call off her wedding, Allie calls the police. Noah becomes very bitter. Allie and Lon go on to have a nice life more about appearances than actual happiness but no one is totally miserable. Except Noah.

The Proposal
Margaret Tate didn’t listen regarding her immigration status so she goes back to Canada to work in a field office and remotely until the issue is resolved. Andrew is finally given an opportunity to be heard during her absence and the book he wants to get published finally is. Andrew meets a compatible woman now that Margaret is not ruling his life and gets engaged and married. Margaret gets a new assistant to terrorize once she obtains dual citizenship. She never fully respects Andrew an an equal but does respect his choices of books.

Never Been Kissed
Josie realizes she’s wasting her talent in journalism at a newspaper and gets a position doing a column and human interest stories at a woman’s magazine. Sam is suspended as a teacher due to his relationship with Josie when she’s a student. Because of PR, no charges are pressed. Josie uses her connections at the magazine to get Sam hired as a teacher at a fancy prep school. The relationship flounders because of Josie’s career success and Sam’s damaged career as a teacher. The two eventually split.

Clueless
Cher’s dad initially doesn’t approve of the relationship with Josh but begrudgingly accepts it since he figures it won’t last too long. All the couples break up when they go to different schools. Dion and Murray find each other after college and get back together. He’s a sports manager, she’s a fashion buyer. They marry and have 2 children. Cher becomes a designer while Josh becomes an environmental lawyer in Washington state. Cher marries a sculptor and Josh marries an urban homesteader. They send each other Christmas cards. Tai becomes a graphic designer while Travis goes on to work with Tony Hawk’s company.

What Women Want
Nick and Darcy move into Darcy’s house. Darcy keeps her job at the advertising agency. Nick goes on to use his knowledge of women to work for a Chicago based company that sells female oriented products. His daughter grows up well. His relationship with is ex continues to be amicable.

Hitch
Hitch continues his business but also helps plan romantic proposals and anniversary celebrations. He knows people well and Sarah offers valuable insight. She continues in her gossip column. They attend couple’s therapy for their trust issues. They eventually marry in a planned elopement. No kids but a few seriously cute dogs. They are an excellent aunt and uncle and become godparents to Allegra and Albert’s second child.

Friendship Review: Book & Reality

This was a carry over from December. Given my sort-of break-up with my former BFF, this seemed appropriate.

I’ve gotten many reminders that Magenta and I are no longer close. One of her moving boxes got soaked and ruined some of her books. I heard about it from her boyfriend. What stung was when he said “Of course you know.” The only of course anymore is the nothing she tells me. If we’re not in the same room, there’s nothing to say. It’s sad but reality.

What I can’t forget is that Magenta saw a side of myself I keep from the world and turned her back on it. She couldn’t handle how dark my depression can make my world. Bella, someone who I hadn’t been getting along with at the time, found something that could have been me on reddit. She did research, realized it was me, and opted in for that same darkness. People will never cease to surprise you.

The book was about besties Bev and Amy. Of course they live in NYC but Bev is floundering after dropping out of grad school. Amy is doing OK at a largely pointless job. Then life throws both women a curve ball. Bev is pregnant. Everything is about to change.

There were several similarities between Friendship and Girls on HBO. Immature, self-absorbed 20-somethings, thoughtless sexual behavior, self-destructive actions. While I found Bev and Amy more tolerable than any character on Girls, it was definitely that same Brooklyn world. A lot of their actions and motivations didn’t make sense to me. Why not make the prick pony up for child support? Why not take the ‘demeaning’ job just to pay bills?

It was also another in the grand tradition of having a not-quite ending. We get some resolution as it pertains to Bev and Amy but what becomes of these aimless women is unclear. Are they going to spend the rest of their lives as directionless as they spent this book?

I’d give it a 3.5 out of 5. While a compelling read, not a great deal happened. It was random and odd but not totally predictable.

I’m currently working my way through my library haul starting with Jewel. The last couple of books I read were all about NYC so I need something that is completely the opposite. Alaska and a former cowboy’s wife should do the trick.