I recently had a falling out with several friends. I was going through a hard time and wasn’t handling it well. Rather than try to be supportive or interested in what was going on, most of my friends didn’t care. They knew things were bad but didn’t want to know any more. That meant I handled things even worse until they didn’t want to be around me since I ‘wasn’t fun anymore.’

This has really made me think about all of the things that lead up to this. There was a group chat with almost 20 people. It started as a core group of less than 10 but ballooned over time. It wound up including people that probably shouldn’t have been there and pushed together people who might not have chosen to be friends.

I routinely butted heads with a couple of other people in the group. Had we not had that chat forcing us into regular contact, we wouldn’t have talked to each other. We’d have drifted apart, been pleasant at parties and not had nearly as many problems.

It also showed me how well people can hide their true colors. I had one friend abandon ship and when I didn’t handle that well, she went to HR. We don’t sit near each other or work with each other so there was no reason to bring personal drama into the office. I’m a contractor and she’s a FTE so she knew full well she could have gotten me fired. She didn’t care. It was more important to have her petty revenge.

A former male friend she has gotten very close to took great offense to my recent meltdown. He tried to ghost me about a wedding invitation and when that (obviously) didn’t work, he yelled at me, demanded an apology, and blocked me on FB. I then found out he was going around to all our mutual friends telling/asking them not to come to my wedding.

This isn’t even the worst of what I’ve been through recently but it inspired me to take a really hard look at the people I was surrounding myself with. Maybe part of the problem wasn’t just the contrived situation but the quality of people. As bad as I was at my worst, I never tried to take something away from anyone that had nothing to do with me.

I’m reevaluating the friends I have left and taking some time for self-care. I need to focus on making myself better and surrounding myself with people who will further that goal. I don’t need more pain and selfishness in my life.

Hypocrisy and Lala

One of my favorite BookTubers just did one of my least favorite things. Twitter has blown up with the video from behind the scenes of A Dog’s Purpose. It’s of a German Shepherd being forced into churning water. Doggo is putting up a helluva fight to stay out of the water. Toward the end, the finally get the dog in the water and it goes under. It was cruel, horrible, and unnecessary.

What was also unnecessary was BooksandLala hijacking this story for her own cause.

I tried to point out that not all slaughter animals will have a poor quality of life. Her response was to ask me if that tiny percentage made the industry worth supporting. 

If this woman ever eats meat or feeds her husband and son meat, she’s a hypocrite. Even if they only buy the good stuff, most businesses don’t solely support ethical or sustainable solutions. I doubt Subway does but I know her family eats there. Even if the only eat the veggies there, they’re talking with their dollars and supporting a company that buys the ‘bad meat.’

She also has no pets that I know of. I’ve watched her channel quite a bit in the last year and I haven’t seen anything to indicate an affinity for livestock or cute fluffy animals.  

Lala used a video of a dog needlessly suffering to hype her own cause. She didn’t care about the dog or other animals harmed on film sets. She didn’t even have solutions to combat the evil meat industry. All Lala wanted to do was shame and judge other people.

If she can waste 2 tweets commandeering animal cruelty, she can offer a fucking solution. For her holier-than-thou attitude, she’d better be a vegetarian. With the disaster in chief swearing in on Friday, I’ve got enough hypocrites to worry about.

Edit: Layla’s family is vegetarian. It’s not obvious from her internet posts but she claims they are. Her issue was the number if people upset about a dog but ambivalent to the mistreatment of meat animals. That is a reasonable thing to find irksome.
However, that still gave her no right to cast judgment on anyone. Her posts were condescending, rude, ignored the suffering of a dog, and stroked her ego. I guess when you’re that high on your own righteousness, you aren’t interested in offering solutions. 

She’s entitled to her opinion and I’m entitled to think she’s full of it.

Personal Rules

Not too long ago there was a thread on Ask Reddit about personal rules you live by. I thought about it and I figured some of my own.

Honesty is a great policy

90-98% of what I say behind people’s backs I’ll say to their face. You need a margin of error for harsh truths that need a nice delivery or things that don’t need to be said. I think Bella is routinely a sanctimonious jerk but informing her thusly will solve nothing. That falls into the margin of error.

Own your mistakes

Your human and you will screw up. Admit it, own it, and learn from it. I had a boss tell me that she admired my ability to own my mistakes. Millennials have a negative reputation of thinking they know more than they do, not learning, and trying to pass the buck. It’s an ugly trend permeating our society and it needs to stop.

Don’t forgive people who aren’t sorry, don’t know what they did wrong, and only offer nonpologies.

I’ve been disappointed, let down, and throw away by some very self-centered people. I try not to hold grudges or keep score because that just grants folks real estate in my head they don’t deserve. However, I don’t forget how they acted and let their behavior shape our relationship in the future.

People who are ‘sorry you feel that way’ are only sorry you’re upset. They don’t care why or the fact that they had something to do with it. If people have better things to care about than my feelings, I’m better off putting my energy elsewhere.

Don’t make yourself crazier than you have to

This ties into picking fights that don’t need to happen or getting upset when you have no control. If WMATA is a hot mess, I give myself a second to be cross and then deal with it. Another example of this in recent life was Bella and Edward starting a fight with Bond about a word. Most people would shrug and move on with their day but those two decided that was a hill worth dying on.

Find what brings you joy and experience it

I love books, dogs, and running water. These are things that bring me joy, peace, and other good feelings. I read a lot, engage with as many dogs in my neighborhood that I can, and enjoy the times when I’m around water. I like relaxing with Boyfriend on our couch and mocking ridiculous reality TV. Rather than get peer pressured into going to an event I don’t want to do, I hold that time sacred.

Also figure out what isn’t bringing you joy and avoid it if you can. I’m not saying quit your job or avoid the dentist but trim the fat. I realized I wasn’t enjoying bar trivia with my friends and my ‘friends’ so I stopped going. I had a better night running to the library, listening to podcasts, and putting away laundry.

Accomplish at least 3 things per day

I came up with the 3 things rule to make sure I was adulting or being productive with my days. If I do the laundry, empty the dish drainer, and drop off a library donation, I’ve done 3 things. Sometimes it’s putting away the clothes on the drying rack, washing my hair, and cleaning my makeup brushes. Some days are better than others but clearing off various papers off the TV stand made the place look better so I’ll take it.


After my recent disagreement with my friend over his poor taste in revenge humor, I’ve decided there are phrases we need to stop using. They never work as intended and my instinctive response is to all of them is “Fuck off.” Here’s why these phrases never work.

Lighten up

What it’s supposed to mean: It’s a joke. Find the funny.

What it really means: My (somewhat offensive) joke fell flat. Rather than accept this, I’m going to get defensive about my ability to be funny and completely dismiss you.

How it’s usually taken: The recipient gets more offended and thinks you’re allergic to listening. Finds the joke even less funny than before.

Calm Down

What it’s supposed to mean: You need to mellow out to improve the situation.

What it really means: I don’t like that you’re being this reactive/emotional. I don’t want to deal with this. Please stop.

How it’s usually taken: THAT WAS CALM! (emotions escalate by a factor of 9,000)

Cheer up

What it’s supposed to mean: Don’t be so unhappy. I want to see you be happy.

What it really means: I don’t like you when you’re depressed/sad. I don’t want to be around you when you’re like this so please stop being like this.

How it’s usually taken: You’re uninterested in the reason I’m unhappy. Rather than care and listen, you want me to pretend I don’t have problems so you don’t have to feel guilty for not caring.

No offense

What it’s supposed to mean: I’m going to say something you may not want to hear.

What it really means: I’m going to say something offensive and probably unnecessary. Because I used a disclaimer, you can’t be mad at me.

How it’s usually taken: Braces for offensive statement. Debates the value of calling you on your shit or just smiling, nodding, and thinking you’re an idiot.


What it’s supposed to mean: Be happy!

What it really means: I’d rather look at someone smiling. If you’re not happy, you’re of no value to me.

How it’s usually taken: I’m not here for your viewing pleasure OR Let me turn my emotions on and off since they make you uncomfortable.