Last Minute Cheap Costume Ideas

It’s crunch time. Need a costume but done have much cash? Some of these make work for you.

Conspiracy Theorist

Buy foil. Make a hat

The Freshmaker

Buy and bring a bunch of mentos

Smarty Pants

Buy Smarties. Tape to pants.

Burrito

Buy Mylar blankets (cheap and handy in an emergency). Tape one around your body.

Pantone Color

Wear one color. Write Pantone on a small piece of white poster board. Tape to bottom of shirt or dress

Victim of Higher Education

Still have your old graduation gown? Add that and a lipstick line across your throat.

Formal Apology

Wear a fancy dress. Make a ribbon sash with the word APOLOGY or SORRY written on it.

Error

Buy cheap undershirt. Get sharpie. Write ‘Error 404. Costume not found.’

It’s Raining Men

Get pictures of hot, male celebrities. Tape to string. Tape string to umbrella. Add rain boots if available.

Brawny Guy

Plaid, flannel shirt + paper towels. Don’t have the right print flannel? You’re the knock-off brand.

Blessing in Disguise

Cheap undershirt + Blessing written in Sharpie. Add plastic glasses with fake nose and mustache.

She Sells Seashells

Be a woman. Tape seashells (bagged or not) to the inside of your coat.

The Bachelor(ette)

Wear semi-formal to cocktail attire. Carry a bunch of roses.

Emoji

Wear appropriate shirt and strike a pose.

Influencer

Too much makeup and a product you’re shilling.

Steve Jobs

Black turtleneck and high waisted jeans.

Rainy day

Dark blue and/or gray outfit. Cut white poster board into a cloud.

Regular Cat

All black and cat ears. Cheap eyeliner or washable marker for whiskers if you’re committed.

Copy Cat

Cat ears + a cheap white undershirt with the COPY written on it. Tail optional.

Sociopath or demonically possessed

Wear whatever. They look like everyone else.

Do Not Care Bear

Wear all one color. Write meh on a circular piece of poster board. Tape to stomach.

Tough Cookie

Cheap undershirt with the word ‘COOKIE’ written on it. Boxing gloves.

Catcher in the Rye

Got a baseball or softball mitt? Go buy some rye bread.

Self-Absorbed

Tape sponges to a shirt

Tickled Pink

Wear all pink. Giggle often.

Pregnancy: Fact or Fiction

I’m on week 26 so I’m 6 months deep. This has been my experience as a first time pregnant lady. Every person and pregnancy are different. A second pregnancy could yield completely different results than this one. All this means is whatever your told is no guarantee of the reality.

Your boobs get huge

FICTION

Lies. So many lies. Mine are exactly the same size as they’ve always been. I hope they get bigger by the end or finding nursing bras is gonna be awkward.

You’re more sensitive to smells

FACT

All of my senses feel a little heightened, especially peripheral vision, smell, and hearing.

You’re nauseous all the time

FICTION

I’ve puked one time this entire pregnancy and my nausea has been minimal. I’m on GERD medication so that may be a contributing factor but wouldn’t completely cure this. I got lucky.

You have to sleep in certain positions

FACT

As you get bigger, sleeping on your stomach isn’t feasible and the pressure of sleeping on your back can cause problems. Sleeping on your right increases the pressure on your bladder (on the right side) and increase reflux. No sleeping position will cause permanent damage but the left side is optimal.

You get weird food cravings or aversions

FICTION

While I want more chicken tenders, it’s rarely irrational or distracting. My preferences have stayed the same although my tolerance for sweet occasionally caps out a little earlier. Some women say this definitely impacted their wine tastes but I don’t drink so I can’t say.

You have to pee all the time

FACT

In the beginning, it was ~10% more. As I near the third trimester, it’s more often. I’m not sure exactly why but it’s annoying.

You get a beautiful glow

FICTION

The glow would have been nice to offset my early pregnancy zits. Hormones are fun.

Your hair comes in thicker and more luxurious

FACT, SORT OF

My hair isn’t coming in thicker so much as coming out less. The hair thing is a double-edged sword because the hormone that gives you thicker hair does it everywhere. You also get lost-party hair loss but this is my first so I can’t speak to that too much.

Why I Hate Haunted Houses

It’s spooky season! I love a lot of aspects of Halloween but I will never set foot in a haunted house not sponsored by Mickey Mouse.

I have telling this out loud down to a routine. It was a very in demand story for a long time. It loses something without tone and emphasis but I’m sure it’s still good. It’s long but was beloved for a reason.

I used to be a horror wimp. I’d never see the movies. I watched season 1 of American Horror Story on my phone, at a data entry job, after reading the episode synopsis. That was the only way I could handle it. I was dating a guy who loved horror stuff and haunted houses. He used to work at one before moving and couldn’t be more excited when the first ones of the season opened up.

He told me he got the all attraction pass so I wasn’t allowed to wimp out on him. [nervous, awkward ‘heh heh’] [Deadpan] No promises.

I figure we should start with the haunted hayride because it will be outside with fresh air, we’ll be in a vehicle so no one can get in my face.

[Flat delivery] That’s broken.

Our remaining options are the haunted hotel or the haunted asylum. I opt for the asylum because it’s a classic trope. They release you in clumps so we’re waiting to the ambient sounds of screaming and chainsaws. Lots of signs saying the actors may touch you. I maintain you should be able to touch them back. My date said I sounded drunk.

[Deadpans] God, I wish.

We get stuck at the end of our respective clump. My date reacts to nothing so I stick him on the end. It’s going well because the girl in front of me is Grade A. Losing. Her. Shit. The actors make me jump and go back to making her cry. It’s a fantastic system.

We make it about a third of the way through and I’m doing great. We get through the insane clown room, which weirdly does nothing to me, and then I see something that makes me want to grab one of those insane clowns by the shoulders [miming the motion] and say [desperately and dramatically] “Get me the fuck out of here!”

It was two ~6 foot high inflatable walls. It was like being swallowed alive by a bouncy castle. The only way through was to push. My date has one arm around me, he’s hold my hand, and speaking in soothing tones.

I’m not doing great.

Had I been in there 5-10 seconds longer, I would have started hyperventilating and run until I hit wall and collapsed on the ground. I have since been told that’s a panic attack. To this day, retelling this part of the story makes my chest get a little tighter.

We break through just before I’m a goner but my nerves are shot. Fortunately, the girl from before is still audibly losing her shit so I’m mostly being left alone. I’m hanging in there and hanging in there for another third of the way through.

We’re starting to lag behind when my date insists on stopping and watching this special effect. It’s a video of a crazy girl pounding on a screen and the metal door in front of the screen jumps out in time.

We watch this long enough for me to realize a few important things:

We lost the rest of our group

My date reacts to nothing

[Points to self, in a mocking tone] Guess who’s getting picked on?

After that, every time I saw one of those exit signs, I stopped and thought about it. I’m pushing through and hanging by a thread. We finally make it to the end. I can feel fresh air on the other side of the door. There’s a guy with a chainless chainsaw and I’m home free.

[Dramatically and quickly to indicate rapid action] I brace myself, I yank open the door, in comes the insane clown with the chainsaw, I break right, he goes for my date, I run for the door and [slowing down] there, blocking my path, is a guy in a wife beater with another chainsaw.

I don’t have fight. I don’t have flight. All I have is [ducks head into arms and pitifully wails] “I just wanna go home.”

The insane clown quickly realizes he’s getting nothing from my date and comes back for me. I still don’t have fight or flight. [Folds in on self and pitifully wails] “I just wanna go home.”

[Ominously] And they’re closing in and they’re closing in until the guy in the wife beater *pokes me in the leg with the chainsaw*. [Pitifully] “Can I leave now?”

I’m sweating, I’m shaking, and I haven’t totally ruled out crying. My date had to sit on a bench and hold me for 10 minutes until I calmed down. He went to do the haunted house by himself and I bought myself a funnel cake because I earned it.

September Wrap-Up and October TBR

[General update]

September Wrap-Up

The Lady from the Black Lagoon by Mallory O’Meara

I started this when it first came out and dipped in and out of it. I think this impacted my overall enjoyment so don’t do that. In addition to telling Milicent Patrick’s long overdue story, O’Meara includes some personal stories and anecdotes which adds to the narrative. 4/5

The Outsider by Stephen King

This has a character from the Mr. Mercedes series so you may want to read that first. Despite its girth, the book never dragged, moved quickly, and was compulsively readable. Dark and unsettling. An excellent read for this time of year. 5/5

A Place for Pluto by Stef Wade

A cute board book explaining to kinds WTF happened with Pluto. 5/5

Little Libraries, Big Heroes by Miranda Paul

A gorgeous children’s book about Little Free Library 5/5

I got ~100 pages into The Shining by Stephen Kibg before The Testaments by Margaret Atwood came in at the library. I returned the King since I’m the hold list for a lot of other Halloween-y reads.

October TBR

The Testaments by Margaret Atwood

I’m over a hundred pages deep in this very compelling sequel. It’s a very different sort of scary but so much more real.

My Best Friend’s Exorcism by Grady Hendrix

I saw this at a client’s house and I’ve enjoyed Hendrix’s other works. I hope this one will be just as much spooky fun.

I have several holds where I’m first on the list so I could read any of the following:

  • Ghoster by Jason Arnold
  • Five Midnights by Ann Davila Cardinal
  • Hocus Pocus and the Sequel by A. W. Jantha
  • Violet by Scott Thomas
  • His Hideous Heart: Thirteen of Edgar Allan Poe’s Most Unsettling Tales Reimagined

I forking loved Thomas’s and Arnopp’s other books so I’m amped for their latest works.