I don’t think most people appreciate how deeply depression messes with your head.

Boyfriend and I went shooting a while back. At one point, I looked down at the gun in my hand and realized something. All I had to do was put the barrel to my temple, pull the trigger and boom. No more me.

Boyfriend has had a similar realization but his was “This thing is really dangerous. I could really hurt somebody with this.” When he realized the dangerous power of the weapon in his hand, he was concerned about his ability to hurt other people. I was concerned about my ability to hurt myself.

I had no intention of harming myself that day. Regardless, I put the gun down and let Boyfriend take a turn. The most dangerous person to a depressed person is ourselves.

Every person in a deep depression has thought about the merits of different methods of suicide. Which one would hurt less? What about clean up? We are capable of doing this without the intention of follow through or without the knowledge that this is unusual behavior. I could have a completely normal conversation about why I favor pills to a gas oven or razor blades, go home, and not do it.

I could have a perfectly normal day after that. Hell, I might have a better day I don’t have to pretend that doesn’t live inside my mind.

This is what the despair, suffering, and darkness do to our minds. We don’t get why that freaks other people out. That is totally normal to us but we can never explain ourselves to typical people so we have to pretend to be normal which is exhausting.

Suppressing this part of us instead of acknowledging it makes us feel more isolated and broken. It may terrify you to think about these things but this is what we live with all the time.

Imagine what has to happen in our heads to make that normal. Really, truly think about what went on to make the abstract thought of self-harm OK. Then stop denying the part of us because it scares you. We’re not in love with it either but we’ve accepted it’s there and try to not let it take over.

Acceptance isn’t pretending it’s not there, nodding and changing the subject, ignoring it, or opting out of dealing with us until we’re ‘happier.’ Acceptance is letting us fucking talk about it without judging us. If you can’t handle that, then you can’t handle us.

Music Mondays: Halloween Pt 2

What can really make a moment in a movie or in your life is the background music. I routinely point out the music used to enhance a moment on reality TV.
Halloween Instrumentals

Possessed Gramophone – Two Steps from Hell
Phantom Procession – Nox Arcana
The Fog Main Theme – John Carpenter
Something Wicked Lurks – TSFH
Trouble in Woodsboro/Sidney’s Lament – Marco Betrami
Psycho Theme – Bernard Herrmann
Crossword Killer –TSFH
Nursery Rhyme – Nox Arcana
Halloween Theme – John Carpenter
Friday the 13th Theme – Harry Manfredini
Lords of Darkness – Nox Arcana
Burn Baby – TSFH
Twilight Zone Theme
Hello Zepp – Charlie Clouser

Hello, it’s been quite a while

Adele has dropped new music for the first time in ages. The world is going crazier than Republicans about Benghazi. While I’m excited for the music, I’m also a little annoyed.

Adele has done nothing to stay relevant in people’s minds. She hasn’t tried to hold people’s interest or attention in anyway. That bothers me. So many talented artists struggle to matter, to be heard. Adele just has to show up and all is forgiven. I can respect that she took time off to be a mother and made sure she came back with her best effort but it would have been nice to see her try. Maybe go to a few events, have some vague half-assed social media presence.

Other than Skyfall, her fans have gotten nothing. We’re great when we’re buying her albums but we’re forgettable when she’s otherwise engaged. Have some appreciation for the people who helped you become the mega-star you are.

I watched the video for Hello and I like the song a great deal. I will definitely get her new album when it drops. Her comeback captured attention for a reason. She has a beautiful voice and makes great music. But I don’t think she’s appreciative of how easy it was to get back in the public’s good graces. Eventually, she may not be so lucky with the world’s good will.

Full Bitch Jacket

I’ve been selling some clothes I no longer want/need on Poshmark. It’s come in handy since I could use extra cash right now. I just sold one jacket that was great but wasn’t getting worn. The woman who purchased it asked me to ship next day and didn’t haggle too much over price.

I was very happy to know that it was going to a good home. Until I got my review from its new owner. She complained about everything: lack of thank you card, how it was packaged, the package itself, how it was folded, how it smelled, how soon it got there.

I handled that jacket right before sending. The ‘smell’ was nonexistent. It was minor at best and likely came from shipping rather than being stored in a box in my apartment. She said it was going straight to the cleaners. It’s fucking cotton. A washing machine could to the job just fine unless you want to wear your clothes out faster. And unless the item is marked ‘new with tags,’ who doesn’t fucking wash it? It went from someone’s closet to a package to your doorstep. This isn’t some new shrink wrapped shirt. These clothes have seen some shit.

As for the shipping, I literally shipped it the next day as per her request. If she wanted it beautifully folded in a perfect box with an effusive thank you note, she was going to have to wait for that. I have this annoying thing called a job. I’m not going to run to the store at 9:30 at night (when she bought it) so I can make sure I find the prettiest thing to mail it in. If it fits, it ships.

I worked with what I had to send it out in the requested time frame. I had a limited number of envelopes to use and had to roll the jacket to make it fit. I roll a lot of my clothes to make them take up less space so I didn’t think anything of it. You’re buying secondhand clothes on the internet. It got there in the promised condition at the speed you requested. How picky to you get to be?

I meant to send a thank you note since I was happy this great piece was going to a good home but I forgot to insert it before I sealed the envelope.  Opening the package back up would have made the whole process take more time and it wouldn’t have shipped the next day as requested. I will own that one as my mistake but I have never cared much about them. They’re nice but not as important as getting what I ordered. Given her reaction, I’m kind of glad I didn’t waste the stationery.

I will concede I could have put in a bit more effort on my part but this woman was a huge bitch. The jacket was in excellent condition and delivered at the speed requested. Her options were next day and not perfect or all sorts of pretty and wait around. I am not Lord & Taylor. This is not my main income.

Out of 5 stars, she gave me 1. I can deal with a 2 or 3 star rating on this but 1 was just unnecessary. You can’t expect department store service from a website that is one step up from GoodWill. She has since been blocked. Her attitude is not welcome in my closet.

I plan on prettying up my next shipment, if only to balance out my ratings. I’ve got one item to ship and one possible sale happening. Hopefully my next customers won’t be so high maintenance.

Why Are the Dead Still Walking?

I watched an episode of The Walking Dead with BF last night. I did my best not to be an askhole and follow along but there was one thing that always bugged me. Why are the zombies a continuing problem?

If they follow the basic rules of decomposition, the decaying flesh would eventually lose functionality to the point of rendering the zombie immobile. Soft tissue would be the first thing to go like the eyes and brain. Eyes are self-cleaning organs so with cells regenerating or doing anything helpful, most zombies would be blind in a matter of days.

Even if Walker #3 has glasses, he lacks the instinct to swat away the flies who want to lay maggots in that nice soft tissue. Territorial stray dogs might attack them and even some birds might figure out the blind ones are easy pickings.

There’s also the vast amounts of bacteria living in our bodies. The idea of vampires rising like started from the swell and release of fluids by unembalmed dead. If you’re in a hot and humid enough location, zombies are going to pop like rancid balloons from hell. If you’re guts have blown, the zombie will be knocked to the ground and possibly immobile since a lot of what keeps our joints moving and together is soft tissue.

Other environments are just as bad for walking necrotic flesh. Deserts would dry out and slowly mummify the tissue. It also poses the possibility of cooking what’s left of the brain. Freezing temperatures would freeze whatever water remained in the tissue making them rigid and slow.

Even if I focus on the poppable zombies of TWD, Georgia has animals. They’re not exactly stomping around Atlanta for most of the show so why aren’t bears, cougars, and aggressive stray dogs picking these bastards off? Where are the bugs going after the soft tissue?

Even if they are wandering around Atlanta, it’s still freaking Georgia. I dated a nerdy guy from Georgia and he brought 3 guns with him in the move. The streets make for nice corrals to light ‘em up, either with guns or Molotov cocktails. If the bullets don’t stop ’em, the fire should destroy the tissue at least rendering them immobile and cooking up what’s left of the brain at best. We’ve established they’re not smart enough to stop, drop, and roll.

Also, how did this even become a thing? Most developed nations are pretty on their shit about rare diseases. Even if the zombie virus started in rural Africa, it’s not going to spread to the entire world. How many Americans who never left the continent got Ebola? 0.

All zombie viruses in the mythos start as blood borne. Even if it turns airborne, it doesn’t turn people until after their dead. Even if it’s an air born virus that turns people upon infection, most countries haven’t forgotten what quarantine is. If someone is visibly sick coming in to a foreign country, they don’t get to stroll around the airport. Customs is going to have some questions.

Even if the zombie virus started in the U.S. (and Fear the Walking Dead makes me think otherwise), there are cops, multiple branches of the military, a freaking government agency dedicated to disease, and how many universities and hospitals available to work on this shit? At least some of those people have to be competent when a national emergency is declared. Can we please write a script where someone, anyone, has seen a zombie movie and has common sense? Sure it might only be 90 minutes but it’d be an interesting, realistic 90 minutes.

Find a Penny

I’ve been listening to Jim Harold’s Campfire and a few of his Paranormal podcasts for a couple of months. Fortunately, the supernatural/paranormal leaves me alone and I quite like it that way. This is the closest I’ve come so in the spirit of Halloween, here’s my spooky story.

I’ve always been notorious for my ability to find loose change on the ground. I found 11 cents on my way to work today. The rust color of our metro tiles here make pennies blend in so I like to think of my change spotting ability as above average.

What really made me take notice of it was when I was coming home from seeing the touring cast of Avenue Q. A running joke throughout the show is a penny this character finds from the year he was born. On my way home, I found a penny from the year I was born as I was exiting the metro station. I figured it was someone up there having a laugh.

4 years later I was on vacation with my current boyfriend in Adirondack State Park. His extended family gets together every year near the Fulton chain of lakes. When I say we were in the boonies, I saw a little bit of the milky way in the night sky and you have to go to the next town over to get cell reception. Boyfriend knew about this 2 mile trail that circled a lake. It was between the town we were staying in the town with cell reception, about a 15-20 minute drive.

It had been rainy and cold all week so while there were a few cars, the trail wasn’t nearly as busy as it’s been in nicer weather. I’m enjoying the scenery and realizing how out of shape I am when I stop to look at this massive rock. (It was about 1.5-2 smart cars in size.) As we’re standing there chatting I see a penny on the ground. It’s from the year I was born.

This penny was far enough off the trail that it didn’t just fall out of someone’s pocket. I don’t know how but I had a strong feeling this was my father giving his approval of my boyfriend. I even saw ‘Dad’ carved onto a bridge later in the hike.

I don’t have many experiences with the paranormal (and I quite like it that way) but this really stood out to me.

Music Mondays: Halloween Part 1

I recently compiled a list of songs for good use during a friend break up. I am well known for being able to put together a great playlist so I thought I’d make a new tradition. Every Monday you can start your day with some fun new tunes. Today, it’s some great Halloween songs with lyrics.

Halloween Party Music

The Greatest Show Unearthed – Creature Feature
Monster Mash – Bobby “Boris” Pickett
Ghostbusters – Ray Parker Jr.
This Is Halloween – Nightmare Before Christmas soundtrack
A Gorey Demise – Creature Feature
Thriller – Michael Jackson
Halloween – Aqua
Silver Moonlight – Within Temptation
Halloween – The Misfits
Dragula – Rob Zombie
Buried Alive – Creature Feature
Every Day Is Halloween – Ministry
I Put a Spell on You – Screamin’ Jay Hawkins
They’re Coming to Take Me Away – Napoleon XIV
Psycho Killer – Talking Heads
Werewolf Bar Mitzvah – Tracy Jordan
The Boogie Monster – Gnarls Barkley
Howlin’ for You – The Black Keys
The Antidote – St. Vincent
The Time Warp – The Rocky Horror Picture Show