First World Rants

I have had a headache since yesterday, my facial spasm is going nuts, I didn’t sleep well, and generally just not in the mood for the human race. I am unbelievably sick of hearing about the following first world problems:

-How much work it is to have people come over, get their own plates and glasses, bring their own food, and generally don’t make you do more than answer the door. Imagine how much more work it would be if you had to go to someone else’s home, figure out parking, get your own food, and not just sit around and wait for us to show up.

-Lectures from skinny/fit women about how I shouldn’t be snarky about “skinny bitches.” Body positivity exists because fat people got sick of being treated like garbage. Don’t lecture me on something you commandeered because you didn’t like being left out. Someone made you feel bad about your body for 5 minutes? Make that your entire fucking life and then you can be a condescending twat about it.

-My boss is mean/sucks. My boss exploits me and is fine with it. She DGAF about me as a person to the point where she doesn’t know I’m getting married. I get not PTO, am paid at least $10K a year less than I’m worth, and pay for my own health insurance out of pocket. Do not bitch to me about your fucking job if you get benefits of any kind.

-Something went wrong with your vacation. I haven’t been on a plane since 2013. I haven’t had a paid day off since 2015. I dare you to ask me how many spare fucks I have to give about your trip being rained out.

If you’re going to complain about a first world problem, you may want to consider the audience before assuming your idea of a problem isn’t their idea of Tuesday.


Gods of Where?

I’ve seen several trailers for Gods of Egypt and I’ve got one question: Why did they only cast white people? Seriously, why are there no middle eastern or, god forbid, Egyptian actors?

I can forgive Gerard Butler because he’s an action hero who will put butts in seats but how about the rest of the cast? Was every middle eastern actor from The Mummy franchise busy? How about all those guys who are good enough to play terrorists on [spy TV show/movie, pick one] but forbidden from having more than 3 lines as any other character?

Why did the helpful human and his love interest, both relative unknowns, have to be white? Did they even audition anyone who might have had unpleasantness with airport security?

First we get Exodus: Gods and Kings. If you look at the ‘starring’ column on Wiki, there are only 2 actors on there who aren’t white: Ben Kingsley and Golshifteh Farahani. I didn’t see it but I’m betting Farahani didn’t get a majority of the dialogue. Now we get this joke of Egypt. All in all, it looks like a cool movie but the second I realized Jamie fucking Lannister was Horus, is was pretty much over it.

I wonder how much public outcry is necessary to get Hollywood to stop whitewashing every flipping movie that touches the middle east. Probably a lot more followed by a dent in their dollars. Anyone else willing to skip this with me?

The Fandom Awakens

I saw the latest installment of Star Wars on Friday. I had grown to loathe this movie by viewing time because of the inescapable hype. I then made a snarky comment on reddit that blew up enough to make the front page. I knew which character died within an hour.

This didn’t help since I’m highly critical of this franchise. The writing on the first 6 films sucks. While there are some funny moments, most of it makes on the smallest amount of sense necessary to keep the series afloat.  The character development is nonexistent. Leia’s planet is blown up and we hear no more about it. Luke’s entire family is flambeed but when he goes into battle, he wishes Ben/Boo Radley was there instead of the people who raised him. Anakin and Padme have no chemistry. When she said “I love you,” I thought, “Are you sure?” Padme loses the will to live after seeing her babies born? That is the stupidest, most indefensible shit I’ve ever heard in my life and I’ve seen Trump at the Republican debates.

I went in prepared to hate this movie. I left with a new appreciation for the franchise. Contrary to what the previous paragraph would have you believe, I don’t hate the franchise. I respect what it has done for popular culture but I saw it as an adult when you can’t unsee plot holes and bad acting. The Force Awakens fixed most of the issues I had with Star Wars. It even passed the Bechdel Test!

The cast was diverse and talented. The story was interesting, made total sense, and ended in a way that had resolution and left room for the other 2 films we know are coming. The characters had motivations and desires that worked and they grew and changed as the story progressed. It was a good movie. I’d give it a 6.5 out of 10.

Why didn’t I rate it higher? I want to give it a 7 but I have 2 major problems with this film and explaining those requires SPOILERS. You have been warned.

1) Cheap CGI

The new cantina scene was great. Maz (Lupita Nyong’o) was an excellent use of motion capture. However the junk dealer on Jakku? He looked ridiculous. I’ve seen enough episodes of Face Off to recognize the fat suit, foam, and paint that went into this character. It was very half-assed and again, took me out of the moment.

The worst offender was Kylo Ren’s mentor. If you can nail Star Wars FaceTime in the prequels, Space Gollum should look better in here. For a big bad, he looked like the forgettable villain in a fairy tale cartoon for little kids. I don’t care if he’s 20 feet tall (you should call tech support about that BTW). If the Sith leader can look creepy and menacing on video conference, so can Space Gollum.

2) Derp Vader

Someone kill the casting director. They nailed every character except Kylo Ren. Why did every other character work so well? Because they were either  already established in the universe or the new kids were played by unknowns except Derp Vader. He’s played by Adam Driver, better known as Hannah Horvath’s boyfriend on Girls.

The second I saw him without the mask, I couldn’t take him seriously as a villain. Driver has gotten to much exposure as this weird idiot on an insanely popular show. FFS, one of the Obama kids interned on it! People associate him with this role. I couldn’t unsee it and it took me out of the moment. Even his rage tantrums felt like Derp Boyfriend instead of Unstable Bad Guy.

While I’m on the rant, why does he have such nice hair under a freaking helmet? It’s like he’s out of a damn shampoo ad. Can you at least pretend to make him look different than Derp Boyfriend? Give him a military cut? Anything? How about a vague attempt to make him look like his parents? Derp Vader is a walking joke about the milkman.

Did Driver do a good job? Yes. Had I never seen him before this, I’d think he was OK. A milkman joke but good. But I have seen him and it’s like watching Rob Schneider as the bad guy.

Those two issues are going to be mostly my issues. Unless you’ve seen Girls, Kylo Ren hasn’t been tainted for you. If you love, like, or merely tolerate Star Wars, go see this movie. It’s the best in the franchise. The nerds were truly blessed this holiday season.


Enough Is Enough

I read this article on Cracked about why we really hate the Kardashians. He’s pretty spot on with a lot of his points but I don’t 100% agree with everything.

I didn’t rage about finding out about Lamar Odom’s big crisis. Khloe is the least annoying Kardashian and she was still legally his wife. When she put the divorce on hold to handle this crisis, I thought, “That makes sense,” and went about my life.

I spend no time deliberately thinking about that fame-whore family but our media makes it near impossible to avoid them. Recommended links on CNN or Facebook, rants on other social media just perpetuate their hold over our culture. Brown says it best:

All those blogs and magazines and news sites don’t talk about Kim Kardashian because they care about her, they do it because you care about her, and the frustrated comments you leave and the links you anger-share on your Facebook page do nothing to make that less true.”

Most people love to hate them because we all love a common enemy. Why do you think Speidi was a thing 10 years ago? I saw an article about Kim complaining how fat she was this late in her pregnancy. I saw red but knew posting anything would just perpetuate their status in our culture so I just resumed my regular life.

I think they’re vapid, materialistic, and useless. What good thing have any of them done with their fame and fortune? Before you say the domestic violence PSAs, they didn’t consent to those. That was an artist and photoshop.

That’s what makes the history of genocide and persecution their ancestors escaped that much sadder. They fled to survive and many of their descendants haven’t actually done any good in the world. Robert Kardashian helped a murderer go free. All of the women help perpetuate a shallow, image conscious ideal on young girls.

I will grant these fools their ability to capitalize on this medium and monetize their fame. That doesn’t make them smart. That makes them one step down from a savant. They’re not intelligent and they’re not worth our time.

Putting the Red in the Conservative Party

First a PlannedParenthood Clinic in Colordao and now an office building that houses services for the developmentally disabled in San Bernardino, California. How many more people have to die before the federal government starts taking action against domestic terrorists.

DHS saw the rise in rightwing extremism coming earlier this year. They released a report on it which is not that difficult to find. You hadn’t heard about it? That’s because a variety of Republicans tried to hush it up and get a retraction. They didn’t want it to be true so they did their best to make it go away.

What are they going to do now that it was right? Probably not a goddamn thing. What should they do?

This isn’t an isolated incident or a mental health problem gone unchecked. It happened twice in less than 7 days. They need to stop spouting ridiculous, meaningless prerehearsed soundbites and admit it’s fucking terrorism.

If this was done by someone brown instead of a white Christian man, it would be terrorism so let’s call a spade a spade, shall we? It’s time for the right to acknowledge there’s a problem and guess what, your constituents are part of it. That’s why the report was covered up.

The Republicans didn’t want to admit their party has a fuck ton of flaws and some of its voters are dangerous. Our current ‘gun control’ policies aren’t working. Republicans need to stop pretending they have nothing to do with the problem.

Trump, Carson, Fiorina, and all the other conservative morons need to stop spouting accusations and racist paranoia and anything that’s not a fucking fact. Guess who used donated fetal tissue? Ben Carson. Did you know it’s illegal to sell fetal tissue? Not from listening to any of the GOP you didn’t. Want to know how many refugees that entered this country since 9/11 turned out to be terrorists? 3. That’s 1 in every 250,000. How much domestic damage did they do? None!

At the rate we’re going, we won’t be able to offer such pleasant statistics about our own citizens. Right now, I’m more scared of a white man open-carrying to a school, movie theater, women’s health clinic, and just about anywhere. I’d rather ride a plane with a Sikh and a Muslim, take a train with a Syrian, or take a stroll with a young black man than go anywhere with a neo-con.

I hope every denial that was spewed to protect Republican interests and image was worth all the lives that have been laid down since February. Every GOP candidate or Republican who helped silence the DHS has contributed to every terrorist attack and massacres that have befallen us this year. Every one of them has blood on their hands. For Christmas this year, I want them to admit it. Ya got that, Santa?

Unpopular Opinion: Sweet People Need to STFU Sometimes

This was partially inspired by a reddit thread and a few actual events. I think the world needs kind people with sweet, sensitive souls. Life is hard and ugly and sometimes we need a reminder of its sweeter side. I especially respect these people if life has been hard on them and they are still this way. It’s remarkable.

That said, I have a hard time taking life advice from people to whom life has been kind. If nothing major has ever gone wrong for you or nobody has died on you, keep your life advice to yourself.

Both of your parents are alive, well, and happily married. Mazel tov.

We spent the Christmas I was 13 trying to figure out my father’s funeral.

Your grandparents are alive? That’s beautiful to have so many generations around to spread love and celebrate. One of them has hints of dementia? That’s terrible.

I spent most of my twenties helping my mother deal with my grandfather’s immobility, dementia, nursing homes that stole his cookies, his total disconnect with reality, and failing health. I got a lovely preview of coming attraction for when it eventually happens to her. Did you know people with dementia can be very ugly and spiteful? I do!

I’m really glad your extended family can come together, stays in touch, and just straight up loves each other.

My mom’s sister was 12 sorts of useless when it came to caring for my grandfather. She didn’t speak to my mother for several years while we got to deal with the fun times. Did you know my grandfather’s wife slowly stole money from him and wrote all his grandchildren out of his will? Or that the son she stole said money for didn’t do a goddamn thing when his mother was dying? That fell to my mom. And by golly was he horrible to my mom.

Your secure career with excellent pay and benefits is stressful. Please tell me more.

I’ve never had one of those so I don’t know what it’s like. It’s actually quite fun to guess if you’re going to have enough money for bills when they come due. Who doesn’t love going on interviews and not hearing back? How about that delightful moment when you realize how much cheaper your life would be if you had benefits like transit subsidy, healthcare, and the extra income you’re not making as a temp?


Of course I want to hear about the problems in your romantic life. I’m very single so I get to live vicariously through you.

We all want to find someone to love us but it’s really fucking hard, for some of us. Hey, it’s not like I’m the ugly friend and most guys only acknowledge me to get to you. Oh, wait… It’s really reassuring to hear you tell me I’m pretty. No one else seems to think so but I’ll keep being in denial about popular opinion and hope that doesn’t eventually seep in and destroy my confidence.

You think depression is like being sad and don’t want to deal with the negativity? That’s cute.

I’m going to be in the corner hoping my crippling despair subsides enough for me to do laundry. Hey, who doesn’t enjoy routinely contemplating the pointlessness of their existence? I would love to ‘choose happiness’ but my brain will not allow that to happen. It’s really great when nobody around you understands and doesn’t particularly want to know you’ve got these problems. Maybe I can make it through the weekend without acting on the urge to kill myself. We’ll find out.

Now I’m not in the ugly depressed place right now but that has been my reality before and may very well be my reality again. I’m also not single anymore but if I was out with my friends, I was the grenade the guy had to jump on to get to the hot chick. Forever alone folks, your pain is not alien to me.

When life has been a bitch to you, getting life advice from someone who hasn’t been there but thinks they know what they’re talking about is remarkably condescending. People with kids don’t want to hear advice to someone without them. Dog people don’t want to hear suggestions from people who have never owned dogs. Tourists don’t give directions.

I don’t want to offend the softies out there but I’m not the only one thinking this. If you want to be supportive, by all means do it. People in hard situations need all the support we can get. Just keep your audience in mind before you talk and respect that you don’t know their experience.


After my recent disagreement with my friend over his poor taste in revenge humor, I’ve decided there are phrases we need to stop using. They never work as intended and my instinctive response is to all of them is “Fuck off.” Here’s why these phrases never work.

Lighten up

What it’s supposed to mean: It’s a joke. Find the funny.

What it really means: My (somewhat offensive) joke fell flat. Rather than accept this, I’m going to get defensive about my ability to be funny and completely dismiss you.

How it’s usually taken: The recipient gets more offended and thinks you’re allergic to listening. Finds the joke even less funny than before.

Calm Down

What it’s supposed to mean: You need to mellow out to improve the situation.

What it really means: I don’t like that you’re being this reactive/emotional. I don’t want to deal with this. Please stop.

How it’s usually taken: THAT WAS CALM! (emotions escalate by a factor of 9,000)

Cheer up

What it’s supposed to mean: Don’t be so unhappy. I want to see you be happy.

What it really means: I don’t like you when you’re depressed/sad. I don’t want to be around you when you’re like this so please stop being like this.

How it’s usually taken: You’re uninterested in the reason I’m unhappy. Rather than care and listen, you want me to pretend I don’t have problems so you don’t have to feel guilty for not caring.

No offense

What it’s supposed to mean: I’m going to say something you may not want to hear.

What it really means: I’m going to say something offensive and probably unnecessary. Because I used a disclaimer, you can’t be mad at me.

How it’s usually taken: Braces for offensive statement. Debates the value of calling you on your shit or just smiling, nodding, and thinking you’re an idiot.


What it’s supposed to mean: Be happy!

What it really means: I’d rather look at someone smiling. If you’re not happy, you’re of no value to me.

How it’s usually taken: I’m not here for your viewing pleasure OR Let me turn my emotions on and off since they make you uncomfortable.