This is my personal story of chronic pain and how it has made me pro choice. If that’s not your speed, you can skip this post.
I’ve talked a little bit about my chronic pain but haven’t gone into detail. In 2023, I was pregnant from March to December. August was when I had to change my sleep position to accommodate the baby. A combination of that, the relaxin, and my lack of muscle strength (SAHM toddler mom didn’t leave a lot of gym time) caused my pelvis to tilt. My left leg started sitting longer than my right leg. The diagnosis was SI joint dysfunction.
I stated seeing a pelvic floor physical therapist. It helped but I had constant discomfort from my glute down my leg stopping at my knee. I’d get up off the couch, walk to the kitchen and the muscles would seize up so I couldn’t move for ~ 30 seconds.
This screwed up my ability to walk normally, stand unsupported, and sleep. It ground me down in mind, body, and spirit.
I was hoping after giving birth, things would go back to normal. I didn’t make any PT appointments and just waited to see. The pain did NOT go away. I could not return to sleeping in my normal position. That PT practice is very in demand so it took a while to be seen or have consistent appointments.
In February, the pain spread down to my ankle. I got my annual physical and asked about pain management. They referred me to a spine specialist. This spring, I got a steroid injection in my SI joint. It helped but not a ton. After 2 weeks, any benefit dropped significantly. I made a follow up appointment and scans were ordered.
While we hunted around for answers, my daily life was hell. At least once with each child, they have needed me to help them and I couldn’t. I was in too much pain to move. I was on the couch with the baby, contorted into the position that hurt the least when I sneezed. Every muscle on the back of my left leg seized. I could not move when my son said “Mommy, I’m hungry.”
Another night, I tried a different sleep position. My hamstring and vastus lateralis hurt so much, I could barely stand and hobble to the living room. I ended up paralyzed on our living room floor. When I could finally start moving, it was bent at a right angle. During those 4 hours, my daughter woke up and needed to eat. I couldn’t help her. Both times, I had to call for my husband. Those were two of the most demoralizing moments of my entire life.
I was chronically sleep deprived. I had several regular and support pillows and would try to arrange them so I could find whatever position hurt the least. My record for uninterrupted sleep was 6 hours. Some nights, I could go 4 hours before the pain woke me up. Some nights, I’d just rotate through various positions until I gave up since they all hurt the same or I’d pass out from sheer exhaustion and wake up in more pain. Once I’m in too much pain to stay in bed, I retreat to the living room.
Sometimes I’d contort myself on the couch to get another hour or two. On really bad nights, I’d rest sitting on the floor, leaning on an ottoman, propped up by pillows. My back hated it but it let my leg reset a bit. As newborn sleep faded, baby girl would need more help staying asleep. Some days, I’d just sit with her on the couch and carefully arranged support pillows. On bad nights, I’d tuck her under my arm and cosleep.
Under normal circumstances, we’d have a space cleared for her to sleep peacefully and train her to sleep on her own. With chronic pain and sleep deprivation sucking the life out of me, it fell by the wayside. You can’t thrive when you can barely survive.
Those scans finally gave me answers. The X-ray showed a disc issue. The MRI showed significant details. Not only can you see the herniated disc but you can see it pushing on my nerve. It has been one of the most validating images I have ever seen.
I also switched to a PT practice that worked directly with the spine specialists and had more availability. There’s an app that gives you detailed and timed directions on the homework. I bought some small equipment (i.e. resistance bands) and make a major effort to do all of my PT homework every day.
I got a steroid injection at the site of the herniated disc. It hurt so much it reminded me of labor. I had a few great days after that. Unfortunately, it’s wearing off faster than expected.
The PA-C said that’s common and suggested trying another one. We scheduled it and insurance said ‘lol, no.’ I needed greater reduction in symptoms over a longer period of time before they’d consider shelling out again. Out of pocket is $400. I have an appointment to discuss other treatment options.
I still have sleep problems which means I don’t have the energy to optimize the baby’s sleep situation. I’ve been trying to get in our pool size it’s exercise that’s easy on my body. It’s down due to an electrical problem at the breaker that powers the pump.
The doctor I was seeing left the practice to switch to a different focus of medicine. My care will be split between an MD and a PA-C. The plan was to manage my symptoms while the body heals itself. If the steroid injections continue to be a suboptimal solution, “We’ll explore more invasive methods.” We’re not considering surgery yet since disc is not regenerative tissue. What are those invasive methods? I don’t know but I’m sure we’ll find out.
A dark thought I had was that I could always dip into the dog’s steroid medication in an emergency. Yes, I know this is a horrible idea. Chronic pain and lack of sleep does not always lead to the best brain function.
The worst thought I had was “I understand why people with chronic pain kill the selves.” I’m not suicidal. At all. My kids need me. I’m nap trapped under the baby as I write this. But I get it. My pain is treatable and, in theory, can be fixed. If this was going to be the rest of my life? I can see the temptation to Irish exit your future.
I would do all of this again to get my daughter. She is worth it to me. I adore her, her squishy legs, and her gummy grin. I chose her and would choose her again.
Imagine if this pain and misery was forced on me. Not only are you robbed of bodily autonomy for a pregnancy you didn’t want but it robs you of your life afterward. I think ‘I want my life back’ at least once a day.
The specialist, the physical therapy, the cane I just bought because I have trouble walking without the stroller to leave on, the support pillows, heat packs, and lacrosse balls. It’s expensive. The state forcing you to have the baby certainly won’t be paying to fix you.
If this had been my right leg instead of left, I would have lost my ability to drive a car. I can’t stand unsupported or sit for long periods without pain. What jobs could I do?
My god is fine if I need to empty my uterus. No one should be forced to sacrifice their body and their life because men want to control women. Because some men made a stupid choice, a woman out there will be robbed of her time, money, sleep, and joy.
This has made me more pro choice than ever and anyone who made it through this rambling post should be too.
JesseJaneReads 