Dangling the Carrot

There were full-time positions open at my job and everyone on the team was eligible for them. I applied and didn’t get it. I can think of a few reasons for this but a big one jumps to mind.

The day of my interview she gave me an assignment I had no idea how to do. The former lawyer had to plainly tell me what needed to happen because the particular skill necessary for the task was never taught to me. I had the information but it was a stretch to naturally put those pieces together. Knowing that was held against me definitely hampers my already limit number of fucks available for distribution.

My job is exploitative AF. I’ve been a temp since August 2015. During that time I’ve had no PTO, no raise, and only got sick leave a few months ago because of a county law. My boss gave me grief for not perfectly doing my remote hours when I was working while sick and she was on vacation. She’s been on at least 3 majors trips since she took over (think other continents) and I haven’t been on a plane since 2013.

I know from a friend that she felt exploited when she was passed up for a promotion. That’s hilarious considering her utter lack of consideration for the people underneath her. The person she was passed over for had excellent people skills but left to change careers. Probably a good decision overall. In addition to not liking my personality, my boss’s boss also says we’re “just temps.” In case I doubted how little we are valued, this drives it home.

I’m impressed my boss had the decency to show up in the office (she’s remote) and tell me before the big meeting. I honestly expected her to say who got it in the meeting because her managerial skills are really that bad. I’m content to stay and phone it in for a while because weddings are expensive AF but an end date will be set and I will be changing careers.

I decided if I was offered the FTE positon, I’d take it because money and human treatment but wouldn’t stay there forever. Now that I know that option is off the table, I don’t plan on making my exit easy for them. I’ve spent most of my tenure under this woman paranoid I’d be fired. She called me an asset to the team but won’t treat me like one. Since my employment is completely at will, I’ll set my plan into motion and decide how much notice I feel like giving them. Since I’m not the best the team has to offer, I’m sure they’ll be fine.

Music Monday: I Got Your Crazy

Love can make you do crazy things. These songs are about that special kind of crazy that comes out when the wrong people fall in love.

Run for Your Life by The Beatles
Hunt You Down by The Sweater Set
Nights on Broadway by The BeeGees
Hello, I Love You by Adore Delano
Invisible by Clay Aiken
One of Those Crazy Girls by Paramore
Ava Adore by Smashing Pumpkins
Across the Sea by Weezer
Driving My Crazy by Phil Collins
Kiss with a Fist by Florence + the Machine (I call it the Punch and Judy love song)
Living Room by Tegan and Sara
Every Breath You Take by The Police
I Will Possess Your Heart by Death Cab for Cutie

I’m just here for the paycheck

Boyfriend and I got the same virus a couple of weeks ago. Mine stayed a cold while his became the flu. I was taking care of him while sick and attempting to work a full day on top of it. I wasn’t stellar at reporting my hours because I wasn’t doing so hot myself. At the first meeting after this happened, boss lady went on a slight rant that working from home has to be pre-approved.

I didn’t take time off because I needed to get paid. I didn’t want to be working from home while sick and caring for someone sicker but I had this annoying thing called rent. I get that I didn’t do my job and deserve repercussions but the hypocrisy here is just ridiculous. The worst part? Boss lady was on vacation while this happened. She wasn’t even around.

My boss works remotely so a lot of our meetings are done via skype. She moved our biweekly one-on-one from today to next Monday when she’s back in the office. She also pounced the second I logged on to my computer to ask when my Friday doctor’s appointment is. I answered and got no acknowledgement.

She spent 2 weeks in Thailand but we don’t even deserve 2 hours to go vote. Boss lady is great at doing the work that comes with her job but she has no business managing people. She has made it abundantly clear we don’t matter and a work friend told me Boss Lady’s boss even said we’re “just temps.”

Boss Lady and my previous supervisor both started as temps. They hired them after 6 months. They’ve been exploiting us for over a year. My previous supervisor was fantastic with people. One time she even told us, “You worked hard. Go home early.” I went from being respected to being disposable.

I’m not sure if this meeting move means I’m fired, on thin ice, or if it’s just Boss Lady’s gloriously half-assed effort to improve her relationship with her staff. I guess we’ll see.

Disturbing Revelation

I just had my worst suspicions confirmed. To fully understand the impact of this, you’ll need some set up.

I’m what I like to call a perma-temp. I’ve been at my assignment a very long time but I’m still just disposable staff. I get no benefits, paid time off, or raises. My job has no particular loyalty to me unless the choose to. I have a friend here so I know through the grapevine that the budget is not getting better and there isn’t a shot in hell I’ll be made permanent in 2017.

My previous boss wasn’t great at some of her work but was good at managing us. I never felt less than any of the other staff. Since our new boss person has come in, I feel less secure in my job and significantly less appreciated. Despite not even getting 2 hours to vote (which all full-time staff did), our current boss has taken about a month’s worth of vacation this year. It’s hard not to be resentful if I have to work while sick so I can comfortably afford to live but my boss can chill on a beach in Thailand. I literally work just under 40 hours most weeks. Haven’t I earned some sort of break?

An insider friend let it slip that boss’s boss doesn’t think of us as real staff people. “They’re just temps.” This explains a lot. Despite the fact that both of the bosses I’ve had started as temps, that doesn’t make us people. We are literally disposable to her. I don’t think my current boss, who is directly beneath her, falls too far from that tree.

I have confirmation that people running this project have no loyalty to me despite having over a year of my life and work. Why should I have any loyalty or commitment to them? They have no awareness or remorse for how exploitative their behavior is.

According to our peer review, I’ve been doing good work. We also have a team member leaving this week. My job is safe through the holiday because they need shit to get done. Come January, it’s anybody’s guess. It makes me feel a lot better about having a back-up plan.

Positivity, or Not

This is my own fault. I had another chat with Bella on social media. It was fucking awesome.

To give context, my friend Sally saw a whole rant someone posted on ThinkGeek about how a skirt is body shaming her because it doesn’t adequately fit her body. Sally had many things to say and included direct quotes from Rantypants’s diatribe.

My contribution: “The way a skirt is made is not shaming women. Rather than have a rant, suggest they be more diverse or inclusive in their offerings. I think ThinkGeek does a pretty good job with that overall.”

My logic: A skirt does not have the agency to shame you. Rantypants is projecting her issues onto the product. Rather than whinge at a company that did nothing wrong, she’s better off offering solutions to fix what she perceives as a problem. It’s the classic honey-vinegar dynamic.

Bella decided to randomly say something. I’ll include my commentary and paraphrased responses in italics.

“I’m glad your view has evolved!”

Here is where I made the mistake of saying something. This is a backhanded and condescending version of a compliment so I wanted to know where it came from. I made sure to clearly state that I knew that wasn’t her intent. Twice.

“You know I don’t do backhanded. I was genuinely happy to see that you agreed with Sally after some of the comments you have made over the course of the last year.”

I asked which comments. 

“I have heard you refer to women needing to “eat a sandwich” more times than I can count. When we were in Georgetown, you picked up a size Small sweater and declared that it was a cry for help.

You’ve repeatedly commented about how excited you are for Halloween so you can watch the skinny bitches in [nearby neighborhood with lots of bars] shivering in their slutty costumes. I’d honestly counted you out of the body positivity movement over the course of the past year, but I’m genuinely glad to see that you agree that body shaming on any level is not ok.”

Jesus tap dancing Christ. I had no idea this nut was keeping score this hard or that she hated me this much.

I will own the ‘eat a sandwich’ comment. However, if a model is going to be 10 pounds away from looking like a world hunger ad, I’m not that horrible for this.

I mostly mock the drunk idiocy of Halloween because very few of the women in the sexy/slutty costumes tend to ignore the weather. It can be 40 degrees out but that inebriated individual in a ‘sailor’ costume won’t compromise her costume with a coat. If you can’t dress for the weather because it isn’t ‘sexy,’ you deserve to be mocked. I’ll mock a fat or skinny bitch for this. I’m equal opportunity.

Since I’m plus size, I actually do care about the body positivity movement. It has a much greater impact on how I’m treated than fit and petite Bella. I’ve been treated like crap many times over for my size.

I made the point of mocking women for dressing inappropriately for the weather. And for the record, it was an XXS sweater.

“That’s the point. Even if it was an XXS, it shouldn’t matter. You can’t fight for women’s empowerment on one hand while tearing down women who are different than you are with the other.

The same goes with the costumes. Women should be able to wear whatever the hell they want to wear, especially if it makes them feel happy or sexy or strong in their own skin.”

At this point, I refuse to engage any further. I could have said something about how vanity sizing is ridiculous (AKA how 00 is a size) and reiterate my thoughts about wearing a damn coat but there was no point. Nothing I say will ever be heard because Bella has already decided what she knows to be true. I also refuse to be the person who gets into some unnecessary debate on someone else’s comment feed.

Knowing that Bella’s been hanging on to this rant for this long makes me think she’s my least favorite kind of person. She’ll be friendly to my face but have plenty of shit to say behind my back to plenty of people. If we’re cool, great! If you don’t like me, go live your life without me in it. But don’t you dare deceive me. If you have a problem, say it to my face or STFU.

It’s the Jiminey Cricket BS all over again. It’s incredibly presumptuous for Bella to decide if I’m body positive, a feminist, or anything else based on her own opinions. I am not beholden to your standards. I don’t need this immature, sanctimonious ridiculousness when I didn’t even ‘earn’ it this time.

Phrasing

After my recent disagreement with my friend over his poor taste in revenge humor, I’ve decided there are phrases we need to stop using. They never work as intended and my instinctive response is to all of them is “Fuck off.” Here’s why these phrases never work.

Lighten up

What it’s supposed to mean: It’s a joke. Find the funny.

What it really means: My (somewhat offensive) joke fell flat. Rather than accept this, I’m going to get defensive about my ability to be funny and completely dismiss you.

How it’s usually taken: The recipient gets more offended and thinks you’re allergic to listening. Finds the joke even less funny than before.

Calm Down

What it’s supposed to mean: You need to mellow out to improve the situation.

What it really means: I don’t like that you’re being this reactive/emotional. I don’t want to deal with this. Please stop.

How it’s usually taken: THAT WAS CALM! (emotions escalate by a factor of 9,000)

Cheer up

What it’s supposed to mean: Don’t be so unhappy. I want to see you be happy.

What it really means: I don’t like you when you’re depressed/sad. I don’t want to be around you when you’re like this so please stop being like this.

How it’s usually taken: You’re uninterested in the reason I’m unhappy. Rather than care and listen, you want me to pretend I don’t have problems so you don’t have to feel guilty for not caring.

No offense

What it’s supposed to mean: I’m going to say something you may not want to hear.

What it really means: I’m going to say something offensive and probably unnecessary. Because I used a disclaimer, you can’t be mad at me.

How it’s usually taken: Braces for offensive statement. Debates the value of calling you on your shit or just smiling, nodding, and thinking you’re an idiot.

Smile

What it’s supposed to mean: Be happy!

What it really means: I’d rather look at someone smiling. If you’re not happy, you’re of no value to me.

How it’s usually taken: I’m not here for your viewing pleasure OR Let me turn my emotions on and off since they make you uncomfortable.

Play It Again

I am in love with this list. Mock BuzzFeed all you want but today this is speaking to my fractured heart. The biggest problem is 14. How many breakup songs are there out there for when you lose a friend? You can repurpose some general love songs but the lack of surrounding media makes it even harder. Just ask Kate Niestrom.

Given recent events, I thought it might be wise to find a few of these to keep at my disposal. While I did fine a few good lists, these were the ones that really spoke to me.

Bad Blood by Taylor Swift
Never Take Friendship Personal by Anberlin
Trust by Neon Trees
Battle by Colbie Caillat
Don’t Waste Your Time by Kelly Clarkson
Basket Case by Sara Bareilles
Over My Head by The Fray
All That I’m Living For by Evanescence
Made of Stone by Evanescence
Erase This by Evanescence
Sick by Evanescence
Down in the Dumps by Walk the Moon
Call You Out by Flyleaf
I Like You Better When You’re Not Around by Kate Miller-Heidke
Backstabber by Ke$ha
Friend of Mine by Lily Allen
We Used to Be Friends by The Dandy Warhols
Stronger by Britney Spears

Let It Go

This was from my other blog. I didn’t want to leave it up there but I didn’t want to throw it away either. Now it will live here. Things have since improved between Anna and I for which I am glad.

I found a great ThoughtCatalog article that asked why we don’t treat friend breakups like relationship breakups. The thing you miss the most about a partner is your best friend but we don’t respect the endings the same way.

I recently found myself in a situation that, had it been a romantic relationship, I would have cut, run. Friendships allow more gray areas and evolution.

In the early days of my romantic relationship, I poured my heart out to Anna. Insecurities, doubts, joys, all of it. Whenever Boyfriend and I had a problem, she was the person I turned to for counsel.

Anna has been very different with her own relationship. She doesn’t tell me any of the good, let alone if anything is bad. I have no idea when she and Kristoff started leaving things at each other’s places, if they have pet names, any of it. Had I known she had no interest in reciprocating any of that, I would have held back more.

This has created a complete imbalance in the vulnerability, honesty, and power in our relationship that makes me very uncomfortable. I need her to confide in. I honestly have no idea what she needs me for.

Anna has a pretty perfect life from what I can see. She has a career at a fun company. Her boyfriend is loving, romantic, and very similar to me in a lot of ways. She has several other friends including one who I’m sure would be happy to take my place.

I feel like Kristoff gets all of her, the best of her. I get whatever she can spare. She knows nearly everything about my relationship. I know as much, if not more, about her relationship from what Kristoff tells me as she does.

I finally told her I wasn’t OK with this dynamic and it was pushing us apart. She told me that her relationship with Kristoff was very special to her and she wasn’t ready to share it with anyone. When she was, I’d be the first person she came to.

Yesterday, for the first time, I asked myself what advice is give myself if I was outside the situation. I asked myself the questions I’d ask a friend in the same situation.

Are you giving more than you’re getting? Absolutely.

Have you talked about the situation with the other person? Yes.

Do you see circumstances improving? Not really.

Anna is hiding away the most important part of her life right now. If she’s not ready to share, I can’t make her. I think she genuinely does believe she’ll eventually stop holding everything scared and be comfortable telling more than scraps. It’s getting close to their first anniversary. I’m not sure that will ever happen.

She has to do what works best for her and I, as her friend, have to respect that. I also have to do what’s best for me. I’m not comfortable opening up to someone who doesn’t want to let me in.

I couldn’t be happier she has love in her life but that love isn’t leaving a lot of room for me so I have to step back. I have no desire to lose my friendship with Anna which is exactly why I need to let it go.  I don’t want to tell her this directly lest it seem like I’m pressuring her. I need to readjust our relationship on my own terms, on my own time. If it’s meant to be, it will all come together.