Boom

I don’t think most people appreciate how deeply depression messes with your head.

Boyfriend and I went shooting a while back. At one point, I looked down at the gun in my hand and realized something. All I had to do was put the barrel to my temple, pull the trigger and boom. No more me.

Boyfriend has had a similar realization but his was “This thing is really dangerous. I could really hurt somebody with this.” When he realized the dangerous power of the weapon in his hand, he was concerned about his ability to hurt other people. I was concerned about my ability to hurt myself.

I had no intention of harming myself that day. Regardless, I put the gun down and let Boyfriend take a turn. The most dangerous person to a depressed person is ourselves.

Every person in a deep depression has thought about the merits of different methods of suicide. Which one would hurt less? What about clean up? We are capable of doing this without the intention of follow through or without the knowledge that this is unusual behavior. I could have a completely normal conversation about why I favor pills to a gas oven or razor blades, go home, and not do it.

I could have a perfectly normal day after that. Hell, I might have a better day I don’t have to pretend that doesn’t live inside my mind.

This is what the despair, suffering, and darkness do to our minds. We don’t get why that freaks other people out. That is totally normal to us but we can never explain ourselves to typical people so we have to pretend to be normal which is exhausting.

Suppressing this part of us instead of acknowledging it makes us feel more isolated and broken. It may terrify you to think about these things but this is what we live with all the time.

Imagine what has to happen in our heads to make that normal. Really, truly think about what went on to make the abstract thought of self-harm OK. Then stop denying the part of us because it scares you. We’re not in love with it either but we’ve accepted it’s there and try to not let it take over.

Acceptance isn’t pretending it’s not there, nodding and changing the subject, ignoring it, or opting out of dealing with us until we’re ‘happier.’ Acceptance is letting us fucking talk about it without judging us. If you can’t handle that, then you can’t handle us.

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