I had something very unexpected happen recently.
I don’t get a lot of human contact at my current place of employ so I’ve been supplementing that with time on reddit. My reddit name, much like this, has a piece of my real name in it. However the username was popular enough that I had to mess around with underscores and numbers to find an incarnation I liked.
I tell more or less the truth since reddit is a huge site with people from all over the world. If you knew me in real life and found the right posts at the time right time, you’d have cause to wonder. But what are the odds that someone from my real life would find something I posted, connect the non-specific dots, and discover me?
High. The odds are very high.
I have been butting heads with a couple in my group of friends, Bella & Edward. All parties are stubborn and opinionated so this is not shocking. After our last flare up, I’d been giving them a wide berth. When Bella asked me to get together and clear the air, I wondered why. I became even more curious after I got a present. Wasn’t she supposed to be mad at me?
It turns out she saw a post I made on an Ask Reddit about the lie you were living. I was having a bad day with my depression. Nothing serious but I was struggling a bit. I posted in reddit about how a few months back, I was at a beach weekend with 12 of my friends and I should have been insanely happy. Instead I spent a lot of the weekend dealing with the urge to take my own life.
As I’ve said before, if you know the people around you have never seen depression up close and personal, they aren’t fully capable of understanding what it can do to you. I was not in control of what I was feeling. Once I realized being around people who were having the time of their lives was not helping, I took myself out of the situation. BF came to check on me and he knew what was going on. I just curled into a ball in my room and asked him to tell everyone I wasn’t feeling great. Nobody questioned it.
Instead of brushing it off like most people would have, Bella started connecting the dots. She poked around my user history enough to figure out it was me. She remembered that at a certain point that evening, I just disappeared. I was gobsmacked. I had been found out by someone who should not have been overly fond of me and it broke her heart to realize my struggle. You could have knocked me over with a feather.
She talked about how I was so lively that it never occurred to anyone this was what I was dealing with. I’d been open about having depression but now she really saw what that meant. Despite giving me a hard time, she wanted me to know I was loved and I had someone else on my team. Feels were had, bridges mended.
I had been found out and that person responded in exactly the way that I needed. We may argue over relatively stupid shit but she was the kind of person I needed once she saw all of what was there. That means a lot.
We’ll see where we go from here. I haven’t been to that dark of a place in a few months. I still have bad days now and again but nothing that some time in a corner hasn’t seen pass. I’m hoping I’m out of the woods on that for now.