Let It Go

This was from my other blog. I didn’t want to leave it up there but I didn’t want to throw it away either. Now it will live here. Things have since improved between Anna and I for which I am glad.

I found a great ThoughtCatalog article that asked why we don’t treat friend breakups like relationship breakups. The thing you miss the most about a partner is your best friend but we don’t respect the endings the same way.

I recently found myself in a situation that, had it been a romantic relationship, I would have cut, run. Friendships allow more gray areas and evolution.

In the early days of my romantic relationship, I poured my heart out to Anna. Insecurities, doubts, joys, all of it. Whenever Boyfriend and I had a problem, she was the person I turned to for counsel.

Anna has been very different with her own relationship. She doesn’t tell me any of the good, let alone if anything is bad. I have no idea when she and Kristoff started leaving things at each other’s places, if they have pet names, any of it. Had I known she had no interest in reciprocating any of that, I would have held back more.

This has created a complete imbalance in the vulnerability, honesty, and power in our relationship that makes me very uncomfortable. I need her to confide in. I honestly have no idea what she needs me for.

Anna has a pretty perfect life from what I can see. She has a career at a fun company. Her boyfriend is loving, romantic, and very similar to me in a lot of ways. She has several other friends including one who I’m sure would be happy to take my place.

I feel like Kristoff gets all of her, the best of her. I get whatever she can spare. She knows nearly everything about my relationship. I know as much, if not more, about her relationship from what Kristoff tells me as she does.

I finally told her I wasn’t OK with this dynamic and it was pushing us apart. She told me that her relationship with Kristoff was very special to her and she wasn’t ready to share it with anyone. When she was, I’d be the first person she came to.

Yesterday, for the first time, I asked myself what advice is give myself if I was outside the situation. I asked myself the questions I’d ask a friend in the same situation.

Are you giving more than you’re getting? Absolutely.

Have you talked about the situation with the other person? Yes.

Do you see circumstances improving? Not really.

Anna is hiding away the most important part of her life right now. If she’s not ready to share, I can’t make her. I think she genuinely does believe she’ll eventually stop holding everything scared and be comfortable telling more than scraps. It’s getting close to their first anniversary. I’m not sure that will ever happen.

She has to do what works best for her and I, as her friend, have to respect that. I also have to do what’s best for me. I’m not comfortable opening up to someone who doesn’t want to let me in.

I couldn’t be happier she has love in her life but that love isn’t leaving a lot of room for me so I have to step back. I have no desire to lose my friendship with Anna which is exactly why I need to let it go.  I don’t want to tell her this directly lest it seem like I’m pressuring her. I need to readjust our relationship on my own terms, on my own time. If it’s meant to be, it will all come together.

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